‘I desperately need to focus but can’t - so many people and things need my time.’
‘I want to be productive... but …’
'I feel stuck in a cycle of fear and uncertainty’
I’ve heard this so many times over the past few weeks. I’m not surprised - at times I’ve felt the same.
Coronavirus crashed into our lives without warning. Throwing all our routines, habits and certainties into chaos; creating fear and uncertainty and disrupting the very systems and communities we traditionally fall back on, when the going gets rough. It’s like trying to run in FOG, knowing you need to get somewhere urgently but being terrified of the hidden hazards and obstacles that could trip you up at every step.
It’s exhausting, stressful and unproductive.
Worse - we don’t even know when the FOG will eventually lift and with the continuing Lockdowns, there appears to be no end in sight
This situation reminds me of the helplessness and anxiety I felt in the midst of some of the ‘bad’ situations in my own life - the breakdown of my first marriage, the financial meltdown of 2008, or my 18 year old student daughter announcing she was pregnant. During these times I felt overwhelmed, inadequate, full of fear, with my sunny disposition transformed into bleak despair.
But I’ve learned how to move through these emotions, so I am able to function again and work through the challenge.
I’m neither a counsellor nor a psychologist; but as a successful Business & Personal Coach, I empathise with the challenges my clients face; using my own professional and personal experiences, I’ve designed a very practical and effective 4 step coaching model - GONG.
GONG - (Gravity, Options, Needs and Gratitude) - 4 simple steps to navigate through the fog of uncertainty, fear and powerlessness and move to positive action.
I’m sharing GONG here - I've used it extensively with my coaching clients throughout the past 12 months and it's been very helpful, moving them from stuck and overwhelmed to a much calmer and more positive frame of mind.
So I'm sharing it here in case you need it too.
GONG helps us get back on an even keel, ‘feeling’ the emotions and challenges we’re facing, not to hang on to them, but to identify and name them, request what we need to move forward, as well as highlighting and being grateful for what we already have.
Most importantly it helps you move on from an endless cycle of worry, into taking positive action, not in a random ‘I’ll feel better if I just do something’ kind of way, but by establishing the key issues you need to begin with, because they will have the greatest impact. You'll also be able to sustain this positive work because…...
An integral part of this process is identifying what you need to nourish yourself
If you’re a ‘list’ person, you are going to LOVE this model! And even if you're not - this may be your most effective use of 20 minutes since lock down began!
In this simple 4 step process you’ll write 4 lists, to help you unlock your fear and move you into positive action. All you need is some quiet time and a pen and paper.
Let’s go …
Step 1 - Gravity
We need to stop wasting our time and emotion on gravity. Gravity is something that just ‘is’ in our world. Unless you’re studying the work of Sir Issac Newton you shouldn’t spend any time thinking, worrying or strategising about gravity, you just need to accept it for what it is.
There are so many issues in our lives that fit into this category; yet we constantly obsess about them, scenario planning around ‘what ifs’; effectively allowing our thoughts & emotions to be hijacked by them.
Gravity is something over which we have no control of the ultimate outcome.
Including the more obvious things like the weather, the economy and other ‘big picture’ issues, which can crowd our brains with negative thoughts. But it can also include things which hit much closer to home. Things over which we feel we have much more agency, possibly even more responsibility, things we care deeply about; but yet when totally honest with ourselves, we recognise they are things over which we have no ultimate control.
For example, top of my ‘Gravity’ list right now, are my concerns about my elderly parents catching Coronavirus. I’ve accepted I have no control over this, outside of my own actions (more on this later) there is absolutely nothing I can do to influence the actual outcome. Yet my fears around the potential outcome have hijacked my emotions, as I catastrophize about them catching it. It’s been very useful for me to label this as an issue of gravity - thereby releasing me to focus my time and attention on the issues I can impact, rather than those I can’t.
Now the work begins - don't worry you'll enjoy it!
So the first step of GONG is ‘calling out’ the issues you've spent your precious time, energy and thoughts on; highlighting the problems where you are unable to control the ultimate outcomes. Simply labelling these as gravity issues, starts the process of freeing us - allowing us to divert & refocus our energy where we’re most able to affect outcomes. After all, who wants to continue operating under the illusion of control anyway? Time to let go!
Take a fresh piece of paper and under the title of ‘Gravity’ start writing! Take 5 minutes only (set a timer!), download all the worries, challenges and anxieties that you are able to legitimately ‘off-load’ as issues of gravity - fill the page, there’s probably lots of gravity consuming your thoughts right now!
Step 2 - Options
Having filled your first page with issues of Gravity, it’s time to move on to step 2 - The Options list.
The Options list contains all the things you do have control over.
Before you start the Options List, go back briefly to look at your Gravity list. Consider this question, ‘I don't have control but do I have influence over this?' Strike a line through the things on your list that you have no control nor influence over. Things like the weather, the economy are examples. Consider the remaining items on your list - issues over which you are unable to control over the ultimate outcome, but could potentially do something positive to ease the issue.
Now write your second list - Options. The purpose of this is to identify where you can intentionally choose to spend your time and attention. Taking each of your remaining ‘gravity’ items in turn (the ones without a line through them), ask yourself ‘what positive action could I take on this topic?’ Spend 5 minutes scribbling down the things you can do, to mitigate against each concern. For example on the ‘gravity’ issue of my parents potentially catching Coronavirus, I’ve come up with some options:
- Explaining ‘cocooning’ and how to achieve it across a prolonged period of time
- Talking to them everyday ensuring they hear my voice, feel my support; as well as being able to pick up on things I might be able to help them with
- Arranging deliveries of shopping/meds so they’re not tempted to leave the house
- Write to them - indulging their love of receiving physical, personal letters, including hard copy photos to raise their spirits and remind them of happier times
- Encouraging them to contact their friends by phone which helps them over obsessing about the news
- Make plans for when we can be together again
Review the finished list consisting of all the positive things you can do.
Pick your top 5 actions and plan when you can work on these.
Choose where you want to start!
Step 3 - Needs
By the time you’ve finished step 2 you should be fired up towards taking positive action. You now have a list of specific, positive things you can do and some priority ones you want to make a start on. You may be tempted to jump straight into action. But I don’t want you to - (not just yet!).
First, I need you to pause and take a few moments to think about your own needs. The whole purpose of using this model is to get you out of fear and overwhelm - back into positive action. Remember where we started - you were stuck in Fog, unable to move forward and full of anxiety and fear! The danger with leaping straight into action is you running out of steam before you’ve made much progress.
It's essential we take care of ourselves before trying to help others
Just as the airline safety passenger information instructs - ‘fit your own mask before helping others’, we need to heed this advice everyday, particularly during stressful times of change and challenge.
Here’s your opportunity for list number 3 Needs. Ask yourself 2 questions:
- What do I need to do to take good care of myself?
- What do I need to ask others to do for me?
These can be specific to your prioritised list of positive action, chosen from step 2, or more generic issues directed towards self care, such as diet, sleep, exercise and mindfulness.
Pay particular attention to your answers on the second question - make direct requests to people who are sharing this journey with you. For example I made the request to my Mum not to call me during 9am and 5pm on weekdays, unless it’s urgent. This allows me to have dedicated work time, without the worry of missed calls, or the tension of having unnecessary interruptions to coaching sessions.
Spend 5 minutes creating your 3rd list around your Needs.
Step 4 - Gratitude
Gratitude is my favourite GONG list because the benefits are immediate and enormous. Recognising what we have to be thankful for, even during the worst of times, fosters resilience because gratitude focuses on what we have, rather than what is lost or missing.
Take 5 minutes on your final list - again I want you to ask yourself 2 questions:
- What am I grateful for?
- What am I grateful to myself for?
The first question is more obvious than the second. We’re familiar with being asked to make time to notice what we’re grateful for. But when have you ever stopped to recognise your own worth in this way? By asking yourself ‘what am I grateful to myself for?’ I’d like you to tune into the contribution/s you've made, that are already having a positive effect.
You can relate these questions back to your previous lists, expressing your gratitude for something specific, or make these lists more generic. Referring back to the example I’ve been using, regarding my parents, here's what I wrote on my 4th list; ‘I’m very grateful my parents have enjoyed robust and healthy longevity’. In respect to the second question ‘I’m grateful to myself for nursing my Dad through his last serious illness 3 years ago’. Because of that experience, I’m now fully able to comprehend and admire his level of determination and resilience to live everyday and overcome the setbacks in recent years.
Having worked through this exercise you’ll have 4 lists with scribbles, strike throughs and possibly a few ‘aha’ moments. From this work I want you to distil the following:-
- Gravity - recognise what is outside my control and I need to let go of.
- Options - decide on my first top 5 positive actions.
- Needs - ensure I plan for the things I need to do to look after myself and what I need to ask of others.
- Gratitude - recognise what I’m grateful for in my life - both from the outside and for myself?
There you have it - GONG 4 steps to help you lift the Fog of fear & overwhelm and get moving in the right direction again.
The magic happens when you do the work.
Sometimes we all need a little extra help, it can be tough moving forward on your own, if you would like to pick up this conversation, or for more information on leadership, harnessing strengths, and managing through times of challenge and challenge, I’d love to hear from you.
At Nkuzi Change our mission is to help organisations unlock the full potential of their people through coaching and we specialise in issues faced by Middle Leaders in large organisations.
Reach me on email at elise.finn@nkuzichange.com
And connect with me on LinkedIn
